I suppose you really don’t know what your reaction will be when you get the bad news phone call….the one offering you news of something that you had only previously experienced as an observer- observing a movie scene; observing a friend receiving a nasty health diagnosis; or observing the aftermath of someone getting bad news. My reaction was a sense of participating in the surreal and the emotion was anger.

I was in Washington, DC on September 7th with fifteen minutes left before a work meeting as our team prepared for our first ever leadership alumni program.  More than forty-five people from around our 14 offices were gathering to learn, reconnect, and celebrate with this special group of leaders within our firm. How exciting! The phone rang as I was shoe shopping a store just a block from our meeting location( I knew I had barely 10 minutes to make a  quick, efficient purchase some fall shoes!) The radiologist chatted- a bit too much I thought- and I wanted him to get on with it. I am fine, blah, blah. blah. Right? “Are you in a place where you can talk?” he asked. I suppose the music in the background probably sounded like I was at a dance club. ” Sure,” I said. ” I am sorry to tell you that the biopsy found cancer cells and you’ll need to follow up with your doctor for a breast surgeon referral.” MY thought? WTF. (Yes- even this Christian girl immediately went to the F word.) Oooohhh nnnnooo. Oh, I am MAD!!!.

(** Important note  here: This blog  is me-full on ME. A coffee mug  I own – from a dear friend and team mate-says it all:” I love Jesus but I cuss a little.” I am a kind person but a little spicy and that’s the mix. I want you to know my real life and all the aspects of who I am and what GOD is doing in this life. The last thing I want you to think is that I am some pristine person who does no wrong. There are many things, sins, I commit and there are many prayers for forgiveness and repentance. To that end, my cussing is better today than when I was a criminal prosecutor but sometimes those words and the emotion behind them just feel like just the right note to sing!)

I proceeded to my meeting, to call my sweet husband, Macon( who was in disbelief) and then on to a group dinner- in that order. What else was I going to do? This was a wonderful distraction and it allowed me to process this news. BUT…..I was MAD! Oh , no you don’t get to have my joy and my life! Not you, cancer,  or the devil or whatever expects me to  to curl up in a ball and stop my life! OH, Hell NO!I am MAD!  Mad because I have a blessed life. God was at dinner as I sat down  next to Christian man who has known me for years. He looked at me at one point and asked if everything was. ” Is something going on with you, Macon or Mac? Is everyone ok?” I could only look at him and tell him the short story and he acknowledged the work of the Holy Spirit to nudge him in that moment that something was up with me.

Life is Sweet and Blessed and Messy

My life has had plenty of road blocks and hurdles in 48 years- experiencing divorce, depression, job loss , a parent with alcoholism, infertility, and all the normal life stuff that rubs you wrong. In the midst of all of that, and coming out of all of it, God has had me. First watching over me as I did my thing in parallel with HIM but not really in partnership with Him. He brought me people in every phase of my life to educate me, lift me up, encourage me and fill me with the Holy Spirit. My life is sweet, full, blessed and meaningful! I think about these blessings and how rich my life is because of the blessings and that is God giving me peace and reassurance that there is such rich goodness in the midst of chaos and a little fear missed in. When I start to pray out of gratitude and thanksgiving, so many things flow- from all the personal things below to having a Harris Teeter where we can buy food in a minute; running water that we can drink; freedom to pray and serve the Lord openly; and freedom to disagree or question our leaders, our friends, our faith.

1. I am married to a man who loves me for me and it is real, kind, unconditional love. WE genuinely enjoy being together and he makes me laugh. I laugh with him, because of him, AT him. Laughing is one of my favorite things to do. We talk about everything all over the map- because we are both positive and naturally curious. Nice.
2.  I have a 10 year old son, Mac, who is the answer to many years of prayer and infertility. ( another “God” story in itself- one of my real lessons in experiencing God through friendships, doctors, and the Holy Spirit. Maybe more on that later)
3. The friends I have had over the years rekindled high school friends as aresult of this disease; college best friends; Greenville , SC friends from my 20’s ( yikes) and 30’s; Charlotte friends who weathered infertility, depression, job loss and now this; and friends I have made in Durham( in our neighborhood, Mac’s school, Macon’s work) who blow me away! Relationships are one of my core values and I want them in my life.I love to nurture them and wish I could do more.
4. We have just moved to Durham, NC. so much awesomeness. We have an awesome home where we can entertain friends and live our lives full on. Our dog, Jackson, has a large yard to run and chase squirrels. Macon and I have tons of shade to sit in our Adirondack chairs or swing the hammock.
5. My family( big blended definition for me of blood relatives and close friends)- parents, mother in law, in-laws, closest friends who become family when you are an only child….I have lots of family- and it is good, authentic, messy stuff. ( I love being 40 and being open to some mess. I said “some” I guess that’s a good thing at this point)
6. MY career is in a great place with a terrific, caring law firm, Womble Carlyle. I love to learn and I am getting comfortable with constant change and growth.Life is sweet and blessed.

 

So……I am NOT letting this cancer take THAT all away. I believe it important to always know you have choices.It may be a bad choice vs. a really bad choice but it is a choice nonetheless.

My Values are Relationships, Faith, Wisdom, Health( all aspects) and Aesthetics              ( really, aesthetics..yes, I admit I love beauty!)-but FAITH is BIG!

Three weeks before I go the call on September 7th, I recall driving in my car listening to Christian radio and a preacher who made a simple, yet important, statement which resonated with me. He asked the listeners,  “Have YOU asked God to use YOU?” Hmm. I don’t think I ever have asked God to use me.I waited for a minute, thought about the question, and said” God, please use me. I do want my life to have meaning and to glorify you.” Almost as fast as I said this I then gave God some parameters. ” Now, God, please don’t give me some awful disease or have some awful sad thing happen to my family. Can you use me without all that?” As I type it, I can hear how stupid that sounds. But I said it. Almost as quickly as I thought it, I felt the Holy Spirit sprinkle perspective to me…” What if that counter offer and your real fear of being used is just what the devil hopes you say? If he can make you scared, you won’t let God use you as He desires for good. Are you going to play that game with the devil?” Well… I am not necessarily competitive but I hate injustice. I wasn’t about to let down the fight in the good versus evil category. Nope. I am going to take a deep breath, trust the God I say I believe in and go forward knowing he answers prayers and he knows my heart.

(**Another important note here: Yes, I believe in the devil- some mangy angel named Lucifer who got cocky and now tries to punch above his weight with God. He is doing a pretty good job on many levels, I think. I also think he is a terd.Yes, I do. Now, I also believe he is smart, cunning, creative, and a force to be reckoned with and respected for his smarts. I also believe there is spiritual warfare going on in our world. Yep, I do.I have read quite a bit about this in my life and I can’t clearly explain it or teach a class on it but I believe it is out there and each person is a possible part of one army or the other. I am in God’s army. I want to be a kick-ass soldier.So, part of my fight against the little red suited man with the pitchfork is to win the battle for my spirit and to encourage others to be on our team! Our team has HOPe, JOY, PEACE, LOVE ,community, encouragemt, etc…….We can all kick ass together!)

An amazing Womble Carlyle partner , who is also a breast cancer survivor and  Christian, offered me some powerful words. She told me I will get through this. I will beat this and come out on the other side! She encouraged me to stay focused upwards to the Lord and get blinders on to see how He will surround me with His people.Godly things  will happen all around in this process if my heart and eyes are open to see.( Holy Spirit, don’t leave me now! You are my spiritual GPS so I need your tug, push , and smack to make sure I am paying attention!) She also told me I have a choice when I feel that negative, fearful, scary stuff- “Don’t let that devil take your joy! He wants to do it. Look up and know that God has you and will give you the peace that passes understanding. Show others how our Lord can offer this amazing joy and peace”….. even in the midst of hard earthly mess. I think of her inspiring words every single day. People! Words matter……Her words have changed my life and perspective! You can do that for someone too!

You see, one of my secret most hopes is that I will some day be a sought after speaker who encourages, inspires, and evokes positive change- maybe even transforming people for a better life. Their best life. So, I believe God does want to give us the desires of our heart and I pray this desire and ask that if it is in His will that it may happen. (Our Charlotte nanny, Mattie, would tell me to ” CLAIM IT!” ” God has done it and it will be done!”Mattie’s faith is yet another gift in my life and our lives as a family.)

You know what? When I got the call on September 7th, I did have a little chat with God. Yes, I immediately said…” Really? I thought we talked about this horrible disease thing?” deep sigh. But then, I said ” OK, we’ve been here before- very hard times and you are with me. You have not forsaken me. If I have to go through this(and I don’t want to go through it) then you will use me to glorify you. God, please use me to encourage people- unbelievers and believers in Christ. Use me to inspire people to live life fully and question how they are living now. Use me to remind people of all we are blessed to have and all we have to be grateful for in this life. Use me to keep my joy and full life even in the midst of really crappy stuff going on. Use me to inspire people to act on their faith and push themselves to make a difference in this world-big things or daily little things that add up for good.

God knew this was coming. I don’t believe in coincidences and I believe I had that radio tuned in to hear the message so the Holy Spirit could move me to ask God to use me. I was seeking and listening and knocking on the door with a desire for wisdom.  In doing so, the Holy Spirit prepared my mindset for the news 3 weeks later. That preparation helped me to have a perspective filter of God using me in this hard time instead of a crumbling to the ground and allowing fear to overcome me mindset. My previous experience with God holding me through infertility had allowed me to actually experience God and the Holy Spirit in a way I had never experienced Him before. I have been open about this diagnosis and asking for prayers. I don’t know how prayer works but I know for sure that prayer either changes the outcome or changes people for the outcome.

The Facts

I was diagnosed with Triple negative breast cancer. It is the 15-20% of all breast cancers and it is booger. It tends to grow between mammograms and you may think you had a clean mammogram only to have this booger crop up in several months time. Mine was found during an annual physical and my sweet, wonderful, smart doctor initially thought it was a cyst but left it up to me to get a mammogram a few months before my annual mammogram. One of my best friends, Jeanie, told me to go get a mammogram since you never know and so I did. DO YOUR SELF EXAMS MONTHLY , Ladies!

After 4 mammograms, 3 ultrasounds, 2 biopsies, 1 MRI, an Echocardiogram, Bone scan, and a CT scan, the diagnosis arrived. Treatment is 20 weeks of chemo( once a week) then surgery and radiation. I will lose my hair within the next week and I am a little nervous about that. I don’t want to lose my hair. I don’t want to look or be sick because I don’t feel sick. I also happen to like getting dressed, putting on makeup and wearing some cute clothes and shoes. It make me temporarily happy. So, I bought 2 wigs this weekend and I am acquiring scarves and ready to pull out my greatest earrings for the next 6 months.

The first two chemo treatments have been ok. I am able to walk the dog and have only gotten sick a few times- which is my learning curve given what I know about the great nausea meds. I am super tired many days of the week but it feels just like “the end of a workday plus a hard work out” kind of tired so I can do it! Texts, e mails, notes and calls all mean so much. Please continue to reach out and know that if I don’t respond it is nothing personal- I am just pooped! More to come next time,

Love to you, Lori